In my experience, situations where you have to choose between two options are rarely true EITHER — OR scenarios. One can usually get away with choosing both if one is prepared to invest a bit more. But sometimes, choosing both makes you stuck in the middle, not really progressing in either of the options, and the best thing to do is realise it and let one of them go. This is what happened to me a while ago, when I decided to give up my job.
But I have to start this blog a bit further back, when I was a 100 % believer in the AND approach. It had worked for me for a long time, and I would often mix combinations that seemingly didn’t go together, like ballet and climbing, and the theoretical physics studies with engineering work. I often had to invest a bit more energy than if I just chose one of the options and stuck with it. I had to plan my time better, persuade people to let me do it in the first place, encounter steep learning curves as I was entering the fields where I had no background, and occasionally sacrifice a social event or lunch. But I would gain unique skill-sets and new perspectives, and I would often get better at one of the activities because I also did the other one.
However, this approach also has its drawbacks. I’ve mentioned before that it requires a higher investment of energy, so you are potentially risking a burnout, but even if it doesn’t get that far, you could get hurt emotionally. The first time that happened to me was in high school, when my ballet lessons overlapped with the slots our gym had dedicated to climbing. There was physically no way I could attend both at the same time, but I wasn’t giving up on any of them, so I ended up with a routine that involved a lot of commuting with a bus, waiting, sometimes skipping lunch, and attending almost all of the ballet lessons, but only about half an hour of climbing.
I was frustrated and hurt, as I was giving it my best, but the results just weren’t satisfactory. I remember scribbling a verse at the back of my notebook:
I warn you from letting two things in your heart —
when time comes to choose one, you might end up falling apart.
And this is exactly how I felt. The situation had resolved itself with the next school year, and I was still into the AND approach, I just took it with a bit more caution than before. And as things went on and the activities became more complex, I encountered cases where I realised that if I wanted to be really good at something, balancing the AND approach just wouldn’t work, as a week only has seven days. This is the main reason I decided not to pursue my flying licence — in the end climbing and alpinism were just more important to me.
Looking at it from a distance, I think AND decisions are easy to make, as we avoid actually making the decision, but often hard to implement, because they require more energy and willingness to be innovative. On the other hand EITHER — OR decisions are harder to make, as they require you to have confidence to actually make the decision, but easier to implement, as they allow you to focus your energy on just one goal.
And I think as I get older, it’s getting easier for me to make the EITHER — OR decisions. Maybe because I’ve done a lot of different things and I’m slowly losing the youthful fear of missing out, and I know I’ve gained some confidence from my past experience, that no matter what you choose, you’ll always be able to make it into something good for you and that not many decisions have grave consequences (in fact, in 95 % or more, they don’t , so the trick is to know the few percent that do, that are really the matter of life and death, and not worry too much about the rest). I also have a better sense of what I want to do, and I’m better at judging how many resources something will take. I’m probably also looking for a different lifestyle than 10 years ago, the one that is more sustainable from the standpoint of my well-being and energy.
That said, I’ll still vote for the AND approach when I see potential. If I want both of the options, I am prepared to put in the energy to make them work. But I’ll also be honest with myself to know when it’s time to let something go.
And that’s what’s happening right now. When I started developing Hike! game and preparing for the Kickstarter campaign last winter, I knew I’d be adding it to my job, alpinism, my social life, and other things. I was a bit scared to take on such a project, especially as I’ve heard from others who had done it that it’s not just something you can do as a hobby. But I was prepared to dedicate a lot of time to it, and I told myself that it would be easier as I wasn’t doing it alone. And for more than half a year, it worked. But then came summer and I had to take a break.
And I could see that it was getting harder and harder for me (and for us) to get things done and to find the motivation. So time was ripe to make some cuts to my AND approach. It wasn’t an easy decision, and I’ve considered different scenarios and talked them through with my fiancé, but in the end, I wasn’t giving up climbing, I knew I wanted a sustainable lifestyle, I really wanted to do Hike! (see my first blog), so the only other thing that occupied a slot of time that was large enough that it would make a difference if I cut it, was my job.
And as much as I loved it, and had great colleagues and interesting projects, I also realised that in the long run, I want to focus even more on numerical simulations and get a PhD. So I’d be adding another AND to something that already had too many ANDs.
So I made the ultimate decision to let go of my job.
As I said, it wasn’t easy, but once I made it, I felt it was the right one for me. And I was surprised by how much warm and encouraging feedback I got. But ultimately, it’s up to me to live it and to really use the time it freed up well. And it’s probably too early to pass judgment, but I can say that although I’ve had a few unexpected bumps (and a night or two without sleep and a moment when I almost panicked when I realised I’ve missed something really important), I’m adjusting nicely to the new routine.
To decisions!
Nika